Columbia City Paper

Letters to the reader 

Dear Southern literature stereotype,
    From the porch I can still see Deddy spreadkneed and a-workin’ the
soil of that burnt up patch of land like the generations of my kin duly
passed. Out thar in his good church shoes. He’d fussed a right piece
this morn’ cause he couldn’t find his work boots. And finally he’d made
his way, headhung, on out across the yard past the great magnolia where
Essie Lee lay buried, his Sunday shoes gleaming in the light and
sounding clack, clack, clack across the gravel road to the family
fields.
   But how do I tell him what I seen? How do I tell him that the dawg
he won in a turkey shoot ain’t right? How old Duke broke his rope
yestday evenin’ as if the Devil hisself took holt of him and struck out
past the thicket that blooms them berries Mama bakes into pies in the
spring. Deddy ain’t seen Duke dragging his back end in the yard,
pulling hisself by the legs afront with a bootlace hanging from his
behind as if he’d growd a second tail. And it was then that I knew what
became a them boots beloved, that Duke had ate ‘em, by God! And sweet
Deddy out thar a-workin in his church shoes, them ruint now too, on his
knees as if searching for a thing forever lost to him.

Columbia City Paper

Dear Economy,
   Yes, sweetie, I’m so sorry but that is an elephant tattooed on your ass. It’s okay to cry and let it out, but right now you have to pull yourself together; you’re still a little groggy from whatever the Republican majority slipped in your drink a few years back. …No, you don’t need to know what Tom DeLay did to you when you were passed out. You just need to be strong now, okay? Shhh… there, there. Obama’s here now. Let’s unknot that red necktie from around your wrists, wash off that smeared mascara and get you in a hot bath. What’s important is that you still have trillions of dollars on the inside and those creepy old men can never take that.
Columbia City Paper

Dear Tim Tebow,
   You should really consider declaring for the NFL draft. College degrees are so overrated, dude. Especially nowadays. I mean, you could be injured next season and blow your shot at the pros. After all, your knees aren’t what they used to be. And, think of all the Filipino kids your ministry could reach with that signing bonus. …Huh? Oh no, we really don’t care about your future. We’re just sick of looking at you in the SEC.
Columbia City Paper

Dear President Obama,
   You still haven’t filled the commerce secretary position at press time, so we’d like to suggest Jim Cramer, host of CNN’s “Mad Money.” Imagine him pacing the West Wing, drenched in sweat and bellowing to scurrying aides, while he cradles an unplugged coffee maker with the carafe sloshing Folgers on the carpet and walls. Maybe rolling up his sleeves and slamming a baseball bat on the table during cabinet meetings. If anyone could get things rolling, it’s Cramer. And, hey, at least the press conferences would be interesting.
Columbia City Paper 

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