Columbia City Paper

Recently, I celebrated my first year of marriage to the most amazing man. When we first began dating, he told me that he enjoys open sexuality and wants swinging to be part of any partnership he’s in. I regard myself as free-spirited and agreed to explore this with him. We delayed experimentation because I had a stressful job and I wanted to spend my limited free time with him instead of exploring our sexuality with multiple partners. My work situation changed, and we have since had about a dozen experiences in the past year. I have discovered that these situations are not a turn-on for me—in fact, they are a turnoff. I feel resentful after these episodes, and I don’t feel like having sex for days. We have discussed this at length, and we have been seeing a counselor. Recently, we had a civil discussion wherein we discussed the possibility of him having these sexual experiences without me, since I do not find them compelling. This idea appealed to him. He proposed going to a sex party alone that very night.
Ever since then, I have been crushed by the prospect of my husband having a sex life outside of our relationship. Since we met, his sexuality has had an outward trajectory, rather than being relationship centered. Having a healthy sexual relationship with him is enough for me. He makes a good point that he has been straight about his desire for this lifestyle since day one, but I am still frustrated and horrified that my husband needs to have sex outside of our marriage. I can’t help but feel hurt that I alone am not enough for him.
I’d appreciate your straight, honest feedback on this.

Sex Best One On One

Straight, honest feedback: You are an idiot. Your husband informed you in advance about the “outward trajectory” of his sexuality; you knew going in that your husband could never be satisfied in a marriage that didn’t involve “open sexuality” and swinging. Don’t come crying to me now because the man you married wants to actually have sex with other people. You knew that before you married him, SBOOO, because he fucking told you so.
You’re unlikely to encounter a marriage counselor who’ll take your husband’s side (nonmonogamy? boo!) over yours (monogamy? yay!), SBOOO, so I’m going to aggressively come to his defense: You’re never going to convince your husband that one-on-one ought to be enough for him. Sorry. You’re also going to have a hard time convincing him that you didn’t deceive him in the run-up to this marriage. When he told you that monogamy was a deal breaker, SBOOO, you replied that you were “free-spirited” and willing to “explore.” But, alas, circumstances beyond your control prevented you from embarking on any explorations until after the wedding, and only then—only after he married you—did you discover that your husband’s sexual interests both frustrated and horrified.
How convenient.
Because if you’d been a little less stressed at work, SBOOO, maybe you could’ve made time for a little swinging before the wedding. Then you might’ve learned that nonmonogamy wasn’t for you and been able to give this amazing man that information before he married your ass. Oh, but your work schedule didn’t allow for premarital explorations, and now this amazing man has to decide whether to go through the hell of a divorce—knowing full well that he will be seen as the bad guy by all your relatives and friends, and 99.99 percent of marriage counselors—or give in to your emotional, sexual, and financial blackmail.

Want more evidence that you weren’t negotiating with your husband in good faith before the wedding, SBOOO? How about this: You aren’t negotiating with him in good faith now. So you recently had “a civil discussion” with him about the possibility of his going to sex parties alone—how many uncivil discussions have you had?—but then you were crushed when he wanted to take you up on this proposed compromise. So once again he wants to fuck around, once again you agree to his fucking around in principle, once again he proposes fucking around in earnest, and once again you lose your shit—only this time you go boohooing to an advice columnist and not a marriage counselor.
Sorry, SBOOO, you picked the wrong columnist. You want and always wanted a monogamous commitment. Free spirit, my ass. You are—surprise!—sexually incompatible. Divorce. Get it over with.

I’m a male with submissive tendencies, and my wife decides when I get to orgasm. We have sex regularly, but she only lets me ejaculate occasionally. She finds that I’m more attentive to her now that we’re doing “orgasm denial,” and I get to scratch my submissive itch. Ain’t life grand?
Here’s my question: I enjoy pushing the limits, and I’ve gone as long as six weeks without release. (We use a CB-6000 chastity cage on my cock so I won’t succumb in a moment of weakness.) But I’m a little concerned about the effects on my prostate. After several weeks of denial, I leak pre-come when aroused. I’ve read that recent studies showed that frequent ejaculation reduces the risk of prostate cancer. Am I putting myself at greater risk by ejaculating so infrequently? Can you ask your medical expert?

Loving Orgasms And Denial Every Day

Two orgasm-denial questions in two weeks—it’s officially a trend! Can a Good Morning America segment be far behind?
“We still have very little idea what might cause or prevent prostate cancer,” says Dr. Barak Gaster, associate professor of medicine at the University of Washington and our resident medical expert. “There are some clues—red meat, probably bad; vegetables, probably good; vitamin E, probably not helpful—but we’re really still in the dark.” And while most studies have shown frequent ejaculation to be good for prostate health, one recent study out of the UK showed the exact opposite.
So what should you do? Rely on the best-available study, advises Gaster. “[That study] followed U.S. men for eight years and found that those with the most ejaculations per month (more than 20) had a 30 percent lower risk of prostate cancer compared to those who were having fewer per month (about five).” But there is good news in the study for you, LOADED: “The 5 percent of men who reported having zero to three per month appeared to have a lower risk for prostate cancer as well,” said Gaster. “The caveat is that this group was too small to make definite conclusions about them. But it looks like coming more than 20 times a month could be good for you in terms of prostate cancer, but it’s unlikely that coming very little, like zero to three times per month, is necessarily bad for you compared to coming once or twice a week.”
So ejaculate frequently, guys, or ejaculate rarely, because it would appear that moderation in pursuit of prostate health is no virtue.

I dropped by four large universities last week—University of Lethbridge, State University of New York–Albany, University of Maryland, and University of Alaska-Anchorage—to do “Savage Love Live,” the college-speaking-gig version of my sex-advice column. I enjoyed visiting all four campuses and, as ever, learned a few things out on the road. (Brinking? Who knew?)
People submit questions—the ones they don’t want to be seen asking—on three-by-five-inch cards at the events. Sadly, I couldn’t get to everyone’s questions at the U’s of L, NY-A, M, and A-A. Here are answers to some of the questions I missed.
At what point in a relationship is it “safe” to have an open relationship?

There’s no standard gestation period for an open relationship, no set period of time that you have to spend in the exclusivity pod. In my experience, however, the most successful open relationships I’ve witnessed—with “success” here defined as “long-lasting,” which is kind of arbitrary (can we all get behind the idea that a relationship can be short-lived and still be a success?)—were sexually exclusive for at least a year, sometimes longer, at the outset.
When asked, “How do you make anal sex more comfortable for women?” by Marie Claire magazine, Dr. Drew Pinsky said, “Don’t do it. Your butt will leak when you’re old.” (I am paraphrasing.) My question: Is Dr. Drew homophobic?
Dr. Drew isn’t a homophobe. He’s an asshole-o-phobe—and a BDSM-o-phobe, a premarital-sex-o-phobe, a three-way-o-phobe, etc. Basically, when it comes to human sexuality, there’s not a lot of daylight between Dr. Drew and Pope Benedict XVI. And I’ll let you in on a little secret: Odds are good that your ass is going to leak when you’re old, anyway—I’ll betcha the pope’s ass is leaking all over the throne of St. Peter right now—so you might as well enjoy it while you can.

I’m a 24-year-old male who has been out for 11 years. I’ve been into this guy “Joe” for several years, but I always assumed he was out of my league. We recently started hooking up. I’m totally into him, and it’s amazing. But for some reason, I can’t stay hard. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Do I have ED? I have no health insurance and am not sure what to do.

If you’re not having trouble keeping it up when you’re alone, and you didn’t have trouble keeping it up with other guys, you’re probably just nervous. You like this guy, he’s way hot, the stakes are high, and a little routine performance anxiety is chasing away your boners. If Joe is continuing to hook up with you despite your inability to keep it up for him, well, then he’s not only a hot dude but a patient one as well—and a dude who’s into you, too. So take a deep breath, try to relax, and enjoy.

When Sue Johanson was here, she spoke against trying anal sex, due to damages, etc. What would you tell people?

I would tell people to refrain from fucking Sue Johanson in the ass—and please don’t fuck Dr. Drew’s ass, either. They both seem as terrified of anal sex as they are ignorant about it—and tense, inept people can hurt themselves engaging in anal sex. And if their asses start to leak in old age, I don’t want either of them to be able to pin the blame on anal sex.

We are a couple in a long-term committed relationship and have casually considered the possibility of a three-way. It would have to be with someone neither of us knew (or saw) to reduce any chance of an emotional attachment. Good idea?

Three-ways with complete strangers are kind of difficult to arrange—unless you’re willing to go the rent-a-third route. But if you want to have a three-way with someone trustworthy and safe, you’re better off doing it with an acquaintance or an ex.

When did you first realize you were LGBTQ, and how did people react to that? Did you struggle to find support?

I didn’t realize I was L, B, T, and Q until I arrived in Albany. And I’m not sure how friends and family are going to react to my recently discovered lesbianism, bisexuality, impending transition, and questioning status—question: now that I’m LGB and T, what outstanding Qs could there be?—but I expect they will be supportive. Just as confused as I am, but nevertheless supportive.

Did Sarah Palin ever get back to you about your offer to be her gay friend?

No, she didn’t—but the offer is still on the table. I’m here for you, Sarah.

Please assign new salacious definitions to the following terms, which are near and dear to the hearts of UM students: “Cornerstone,” “Fear the Turtle,” and “Diamondbacking.”

Cornerstone: When you get high in order to break through a sexual inhibition—like when pot helps you “turn a corner” sexually. “Sue wanted to peg her boyfriend Drew, but he just couldn’t do it until he got cornerstoned.”

Fear the Turtle: What a woman experiences when she realizes halfway through vaginal intercourse that her bowels are full and her enjoyment of the sex has been superseded by her fear of crapping the bed. “Sue had to ask Drew to stop fucking her because she feared the turtle. She got on the can for a minute, then hopped back in bed, and no longer feared the turtle.”

Diamondbacking: Consenting to anal sex in the hopes that doing so will inspire a boyfriend to propose. “Sue knew that Drew was totally into anal sex, so she let him diamondback her. Now they’re engaged.”

I’m a lesbian, and my girlfriend is bisexual and wants to have a three-way with a man. This makes me nervous. What should I do?

Get yourself a refillable Xanax prescription, or get yourself an actual lesbian girlfriend.

If she hasn’t orgasmed yet, will she ever?

Yes, but probably with someone else.

Thanks again to all four universities for bringing my skanky ass to their campuses last week. My primary mission when I do these events, of course, is to undo in an evening the damage done by abstinence educators over the course of many years. But the events are always a blast. If you want me to come to your school, get in touch with Keppler Speakers at savagelove@kepplerspeakers.com. I’m looking forward to my upcoming gigs at Liberty University, Brigham Young University, and University of Notre Dame.

mail@savagelove.net

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